GalacticMercenaries
2012-02-04 |  | Hope you get a laugh |  |
1. Every morning smile to your mirror, but why stop there? Smile to your kitchen table, to your living room sofa and to your iron board. Beware, don`t smile to your dishwasher it may take it as provocation.
2. Always put your smile on. People will assume you are a crazy person and won`t mess with you.
3. Be kind to others, send me money.
4. Live every day like it is your last.Crawl into a corner and cry.
5. Live every day to the fullest. When going to the bathroom take a newspaper!
6. Drinking is not a solution, unless we are talking about alcohol.
7. Better to give, than to receive (true only on case of infections).
8. Clothes don`t make the man, but being naked will get you arrested.
9. Don`t put all your eggs in one basket, put all of then in the fridge they will last longer.
10. Remember everybody makes mistakes, and you will have the opportunity to laugh on them.
11. Always follow your dreams; just be sure to check that Pamela Anderson is also on board.
12. Give a man a fish and he might take it the wrong way...
13. Honesty is the best policy, at least that what Pamela always telling me.
14. Time is money. Stop reading not-smart articles! |
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CannonFodder
99+ day(s) ago | the last one was Stephen King XP |
CannonFodder
99+ day(s) ago | Here`s a bunch of quotes I found at one point a couple years back, don`t remember from where...
If you try and don`t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
My biological clock says 12:00 and blinks.
I don`t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.- Will Rogers
I like children - fried.- W.C. Fields
Hickory xory dock, three mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one, and the other two escaped with minor injuries.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn`t it.- Groucho Marx
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.- Ellen DeGeners
I got in trouble at the Canadian border. The guy said "Do you have any guns or weapons in your vehicle?" and I said "Why? What do you need?"
This is the sixth book I`ve written, which isn`t bad for a guy who`s only read two.- George Burns
I don`t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.- Groucho Marx
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better not-smart-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better not-smarts. So far, the Universe is winning.- Rich Cook
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There`s just something about you that pisses me off."- Stephen King
Permitted vehicles not allowed.- Road sign on US 27
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.- Leonard Brandwein
I`d like to travel back to the year 1337 and point and laugh at everything.
If it weren`t for electricity we`d all be watching television by candlelight.- George Gobel
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that`s not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk.- Ste |
GalacticMercenaries
99+ day(s) ago | Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. |
GalacticMercenaries
99+ day(s) ago | Sometimes we just need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are...
1.Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2.You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
3.The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are:
"I apologize" and "You are right."
4.Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5.When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.
It`s easier to eat crow while it`s still warm.
6.The best advice that your mother ever gave you was.
"Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, `Will this matter one year from now?
How about one month? One week? One day?`
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it`s not that important.
13. Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan. |
GalacticMercenaries
99+ day(s) ago | 1. If you`re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don`t worry about what people think, they don`t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn`t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural not-smartity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you`ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you`ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain`t the jeans that make your butt look fat. |
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