GalacticMercenaries
2007-12-16 |  | Verry Funny |  |
You are Forgiven
So three nuns walk into their church to be greeted by a priest. The priest says "You three nuns have devoted your lives to the church. You may all commit one sin, and come back to tell me for forgiveness."
The three nuns leave the church and the next day they come back, two of them crying, the other laughing.
The priest asks one of the nuns who was crying what she did and she answered, "I stole flowers from my nieghbor`s garden!"
"You are forgiven and can drink from the holy water" the priest said.
He asked the second nun who was crying what she did and she said "I stole candy from a baby"
"You are forgiven and may drink from the holy water" the priest told her.
By this time the third nun was laughing hysterically, and when the priest asked her what she did she said "I PEED IN THE HOLY WATER!" |
|
PointyStick
99+ day(s) ago | Verry Funny...
*points at GM`s head HA HA |
StormofBladeZ
99+ day(s) ago | Hahh lol ive heard some of these before. :p |
Paranoid
99+ day(s) ago | i luv them all xD |
Paranoid
99+ day(s) ago | Religious Boy
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he`d like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl`s parent`s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I`m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl`s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
roflmao @ that !! |
Sol
99+ day(s) ago | lol nice they were mostly funny. :-D |
ArchAng3l
99+ day(s) ago | glad u guys like all these jokes from http://makesyoulaugh.blogspot.com
visit the blog for funny videos and pics which cannot be post here :P |
GalacticMercenaries
99+ day(s) ago | Here is 40 min`s of reading enjoy ^_^ |
GalacticMercenaries
99+ day(s) ago | Culture Shock
Two immigrants arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between the Old Country and the U.S.
One of them says that he`s heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they`re going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well.
So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two `dogs.` The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend."What part did you get?" |
GalacticMercenaries
99+ day(s) ago | Bragging Mothers
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him `Father`."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, `, `Your Grace`."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say `Your Eminence`.
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women giver her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is six feet, ten inches tall and is 300 pounds of pure muscle. When he walks in the room, people greet him `Oh, My God!`" |
GalacticMercenaries
99+ day(s) ago | Judgement
There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail.
The next day the man went before the judge.
The judge asked the man, "Where do you work?"
The man said, "Here and there."
The judge asked the man, "What do you do for a living?"
The man said, "This and that."
The judge then said, "Take him away."
The man said, "Wait, judge when will I get out?"
The judge said to the man, "Sooner or later." |
GalacticMercenaries
99+ day(s) ago | Dangers of Farting
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband`s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn`t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn`t listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in!" |
GalacticMercenaries
99+ day(s) ago | I think I can fly
Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys "You know, if had just one more beer, I reckon I could fly."
The second guy says "No Way!"
So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk out to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies gracefully back to the top of the cliff.
The second guy is totally amazed, so he says "You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too."
All three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has one more beer. After he finishes, he says "Ok, I will be able to fly now."
All three of them go outside and the second guy jumps off of the cliff. He falls to the bottom, hitting the ground and dying instantly.
The third guy turns to the first guy and said "You know Superman, you can be a real jerk when you drink." |
GalacticMercenaries
99+ day(s) ago | The Gift
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart`s birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart`s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom`s and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!
All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing." |
GalacticMercenaries
99+ day(s) ago | Feel Like a Woman
In a transatlantic flight, the plane passes into a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning and is detatched.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up at the front of the plane and yells, "I`m too young to die! But if I`m going to, I want my last minutes to be memorable! I`ve had plenty of lovers in my life, but none of them has ever made me feel like a woman! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a real woman?"
For a moment there is dead silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman. Then a man stands up at the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a real woman," he says, his voice low and husky.
The man is gorgeous. Tall, well-built, broad shoulders, flowing jet-black hair and soft brown eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he goes, one button at a time. No-one moves. The woman is shaking, breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest and arms as he reaches her. He draws close to her, and as he presses his shirt against her whispers...
"Iron this." |
GalacticMercenaries
99+ day(s) ago | Don`t Lie to Mom
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn`t help noticing how beautiful John`s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom`s thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I`ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don`t suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I`ll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I`m not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I`m not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I`m not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I`m not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."
Lesson of the day...Don`t Lie To Your Mother. |
GalacticMercenaries
99+ day(s) ago | Religious Boy
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he`d like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl`s parent`s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I`m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl`s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." |
GalacticMercenaries
99+ day(s) ago | Don't Die Laughing
A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem, only you've got to promise not to laugh."
The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over 20 years of being a doctor I've never laughed at a patient." "OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest x he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes. "I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me. I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen." |
Deiloche
99+ day(s) ago | I <3 j00. :D |
GalacticMercenaries
99+ day(s) ago | Definitely
A nursery school teacher asks her class, "Who can use the word `definitely` in a sentence?"
The first little girl answers, "The sky is definitely blue," but the teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange, or purple and pink."
A second little boy answers, "Trees are definitely green." The teacher says, "Sorry, Timmy, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK", says Johnny, "then I have DEFINITELY dung in my pants!" |
|
|
