Dats Phunny

21} A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Winnipeg to Montreal. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking
to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That`s nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

17} An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma`am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18} After a real crusher of a landing in Halifax, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19} Part of a flight attendant`s arrival announcement: "We`d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you`ll think of West Jet Airways.

20} "Heard on a West Jet Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.

If you can light `em, you can smoke `em."

9} "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.

10} "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we`ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than West Jet Airlines."

11} "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
12} "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.

13} Please do not leave children or spouses.

14} "Heard on West Jet Airlines just after a very hard landing in Edmonton: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y`all are thinking. I`m here to tell you it wasn`t the airline`s fault, it wasn`t the pilot`s fault, it wasn`t the flight attendant`s fault, it was the asphalt."
15} Overheard on a West Jet Airlines flight into Regina, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Regina. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what`s left of our airplane to the gate!"
16} Another flight attendant`s comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

West Jet is an Airline with head office situated in Calgary, Alberta. West Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight `safety lecture'

and announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some examples that have been heard:

1} On a West Jet flight (There is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we`re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2} On another West Jet Flight with a very senior flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we`ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3} On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you`re going to leave anything, please make sure it`s something we`d like to have."
4} "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
5} "Thank you for flying West Jet. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6} As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at the Vancouver Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7} After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Ontario, a flight attendant on a West Jet flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as h''ll everything has shifted."
8} From a West Jet Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard West Jet Flight 245 to Calgary. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don`t know how to operate one,

you probably shouldn`t be out in public unsupervised."

showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don`t know anything about my business. Now give me back my dog."

No disrespect meant for anyone that works for the Gov`t..

A West Texas cowboy...



A West Texas cowboy was herding cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."
"That`s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You`re a consultant for the government," says the cowboy.
"Wow! That`s correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even thoug