forewarded emails suck

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one
about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I
now have to use a wet towel with every envelope
that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I
open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to
a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in
the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.
Theresa`s novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even
though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers
only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven
of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca
Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man
along to watch the car so a serial killer won`t
crawl in my back seat when I`m pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the
people who make these products are atheists who
refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can`t boil a cup
water in the microwave anymore because it will
blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a needle infected
with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone
will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.