Texas Chili Contest
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>If you can read this whole story without laughing then there`s no hope
>for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this
>slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
>third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, yo
>know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
>Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the
>San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named
>Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
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>Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
>cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
>happened to be standing there at the judge`s table asking for directions
>to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
>other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn`t be all that spicy
>and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
>accepted".
>
>Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
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>CHILI # 1 - MIKE`S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
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>Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
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>Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
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>Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy dung, what the hell is this stuff? You could
>remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
>out. I hope that`s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
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>CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN`S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
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>Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
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>Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>seriously.
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>Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I`m not sure what
>I`m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
>wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
>they saw the look on my face.
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>CHILI # 3 - FRED`S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
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>Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
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>Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
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>Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I`ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
>I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
>beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
>the front part of my chest. I`m getting dung-faced from all of the beer.
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>CHILI # 4 - BUBBA`S BLACK MAGIC...
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>Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
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>Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
>other mild foods, not much of a chili.
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>Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
>to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid,
>was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting
>to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I`m eating! Is chili an
>aphrodisiac?
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>CHILI
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